And Yet the Darkness Shines
by hazju1
Summary: We all know a character who spent her human years in a mixture of lost confusion and terror. Was the loss of those memories a blessing in disguise? When Bella arrives at Forks, weary and alone, Alice will get a glimpse at what her life might have been like as a human. And might they have something else in common? Bellice, eventually. Warning: Trigger for mental illness.


Prologue

"Bella Swan?" the nurse called.

Two years ago. It was over two years ago that I'd first been hospitalized for psychosis. It was six months later that I was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia.

It isn't really how everyone thinks it is; at least not for me. Very rarely do you break out into that hysterical panic and violence that you see in movies. Some people don't have that at all. No, the part that got to me was the constant stress. You hear or see things that aren't there, and sometimes you don't even know what's real or not. Sometimes I could hide it. At the beginning I definitely could, but eventually you break, because it just wears on you constantly, like sandpaper on bare skin.

The medication helps, but it makes you feel like crap.

Every three months I had to come to this cramped little office, the kind that they leased out for any old business, to see my psychiatrist. The pasty yellow walls were decorated with those plastic stick-on cartoons: dogs and cats, mostly, and a single My Little Pony sticker that was faded and peeling. There were never more than three people waiting at a given time, but the doctor was _still_ always behind schedule. My appointment was for ten in the morning. It was almost twelve.

I was seeing him a few weeks early, though, because I couldn't stand it anymore. High school was just too much. I would forever be _that girl_, or more like _that crazy freak of a girl_. My first breakdown happened during lunch in December of my freshman year, right before finals. When I returned to school weeks later, people avoided me like the plague, unless they were trying to trip me or flip my food tray over. Now, even the freshmen and sophomores joined in, for no reason other than the fact that everyone else did it.

"Bella, they called you," Renee said, pushing my shoulder gently.

"Ah...oh." I rubbed my eyes and got up with Renee.

"Hello Miss Swan, how have you been?" the nurse asked with a smile as she led us through to the doctor's office.

"Oh, you know…" I mumbled. I never knew what to say to her. She was always cheerful, but in a kind of creepy way.

When we arrived at Dr. Lenner's office, she stopped and opened the door for us, shooing us in. "Alright, well I'll see you in a bit." She waved and closed the door behind us.

We sat down in the stiff wooden chairs in front of Dr. Lenner's desk. He was tall, lanky, and just barely starting to go grey at his temples. He ignored us at first, as always, instead shuffling papers around on his desk. After about a minute, he pulled open a drawer and took out my file, then finally looked up.

"Alright. So, Bella, you're seeing me early." His voice was calm and deep. "How are things going? Are you still taking your medication properly?" He glanced at Renee. She nodded.

I sighed. He always asked that question. "I've been taking them properly for the last year."

It was a fair question, I guess, considering I'd tried to stop taking them twice before. I hated the way they made me feel. I was always tired, and my mind felt slow and fuzzy. As I'd found out, though, even if they didn't get rid of my symptoms completely, I was doing a hell of a lot better with them than without them. Both times I had to be taken to the psych ward for two weeks of close monitoring.

Dr. Lenner nodded. "I always have to ask, Bella, you know that. So what brings you in today? Your regular check-up isn't until two weeks from now. What's going on?"

I shared a look with Renee. "Well," I started, "I...I decided I want to go live with my dad. I need your approval to switch psychiatrists."

He raised an eyebrow. "What brought...this...on…" His voice faded.

"_Who's a pretty kitty? Who's a pretty kitty? You are! Yes, you are! Come to mama…"_

"_Ugh, I hate this beach, there's always trash everywhere. I don't get…"_

_The snake slithered across the floor and up my chair, and started to coil around me..._

"Bella?"

I snapped back to face Dr. Lenner.

"Still having hallucinations, I see." He made a small note on my file. "Have those been stable since we last visited?"

"_Do you really think we're hallucinations? Ha!"_

"Yes," I said. "About the same."

He nodded. "Bella, I don't think it's a good idea to make such a drastic change while you're still recovering. What made you decide on this? Renee, what do you think?"

I answered first. "School," I said quietly. "School is too much. Everyone remembers what happened, and I just can't take it anymore. I know I'll be weird and creepy wherever I transfer, but at least they won't remember what I did." I glanced at Renee, who was frowning at my choice of words. "Mom's also getting married, and I want her to be able to travel with Phil. She can't exactly take me with her everywhere."

I kept quiet about the other reason I wanted to move. All of that should have been enough, I guess, but I didn't make up my mind until recently. I had this...compulsion. It was different from when the voices spoke, or when I saw things. It was deeper and less menacing, but still powerful. I needed to go somewhere else, and not just anywhere else—I needed to go to Forks. Maybe I just wanted to get to know Charlie more, but I felt like there was _something_ I had to do there. I knew better than to mention this though, or Dr. Lenner would give me another lecture about not giving in to my delusions.

"Renee?"

"Well, I can't exactly argue with what she's saying," she said resignedly. "I don't care about the traveling part. Phil's been traveling since we started dating and we've made it work, but I can't deny that she's being treated horribly at school. I've seen the way they look at her when I pick her up, and I don't want her to be going through that. Maybe a switch would help."

"Besides," I added, a bit more forcefully, "I've been recovering for two years. I can't keep myself from doing new things forever."

"Ah." He surprised me by smiling broadly. "What you just said then, Bella—that's what I want to hear. That's what I always like to hear from a patient." He took a deep breath, then nodded to himself. "Well, it looks like you've made up your mind, and I won't keep you against your will." He ripped off a sheet of paper from his notebook and started scribbling on it, then stuck it in my file. "Let's go to the front desk, and I'll get Wendy to start sorting things out for you." He opened the door and led us out.

Well, that was a short visit.

We walked up to the reception desk. "Next appointment?" Wendy asked, but Renee shook her head.

"Actually, no," Dr. Lenner said. "Help these two ladies search for a psychiatrist in—Forks, was it? Forks, Washington. I'm not familiar with any practitioners up there, so they'll have to choose whoever is most convenient for them. Alright?" He turned to Renee. "Wendy's going to help set you all up. Once you decide on someone, she'll contact him for me, and then I'll have you fill out some paperwork. Everything should be said and done within a few days."

He reached out a hand to me, and I shook it. "Alright Bella. I'm going to miss you. In case I don't get to see you before you move, make sure to call and say hi every once in a while!" I gave him a weak smile as he turned away to go back to his office.

"Okay, so there's no private practitioner in Forks that I can see, but there is a psychiatrist at the local hospital," said Wendy. "Would you be willing to try that out, and see how it goes?"

I shivered. At a hospital? I'd had enough of hospitals to last a lifetime.

Renee seemed to catch on. "Can you see if there's another one nearby?"

Wendy shook her head. "The nearest I can find is in Port Angeles, but that's an hour trip, isn't it?"

Renee opened her mouth again, but I steeled myself and said, "No, I'll see the one in Forks." She looked at me in surprise. "I've got to adapt, right?" I said, although my voice wasn't quite convincing. I shuffled my feet. "I don't want to make a big deal out of seeing the doctor anyway. A two hour round-trip is kinda…"

Renee nodded. "Okay. Wendy, what's his name?"

"Oh, it's a she; Doctor Allyson Foller. I'll send her a fax immediately. Is that all? Did he give you any new refills?"

"Actually, that'll be all," Renee said...

"_Watch out! Get out of the way! Oh god, no!"_

_The beetles skittered out from below the counter, crawling everywhere..._

"_Bella?"_

"Bella? It's time to go," Renee said.

I jumped slightly, my heart beating faster than normal. No beetles. I looked at Wendy and Renee, and gave a weak, fake smile. Neither of them said anything. They were used to it by now.

* * *

><p><strong>Two years ago<strong>

What was wrong with me?

I was beginning to hear the voices more frequently, and it was getting hard to distinguish exactly when they started and when they stopped. Sometimes I heard only snippets of conversations, or warbling, or horrible things like yelling and screaming. It was getting to be too much. Sometimes I was paranoid that they'd hear me back, even though there was no reason to think so. Were they watching me?

"Hey, Bella." A male voice interrupted my thoughts, and I jerked violently. I looked up from my food to see Andy Walken, a blond sophomore with an unusually delicate face, next to me. I hadn't even felt him sit down. Cindy Walken, his twin sister, sat down to my left and promptly buried her nose in a book.

"H-hey," I said timidly. They were some of the few students who still showed interest in me, as I continued to separate myself from everyone else.

"Fancy seeing you here." He waved out at the crowded and noisy cafeteria. "Did you miss the lovely 'choice selections'?" He grinned and looked meaningfully at my dry and tasteless macaroni and cheese.

I cracked a smile. "It's not that bad." He raised his eyebrow, and I heard Cindy snort. "Okay, it is that bad. That's not why I haven't been eating here, though." _Or eating at all._ "I've just been...stressed out. Exams are coming up, and I've got to be prepared."

"Oh, don't worry about it. I'm sure you'll do fine. I see you studying in the library all the time after school. You should take a break, actually; there's only so much you can prepare." His smile shrank a little, and he gave me a more studying look. "So where have you been eating? Are freshmen allowed to leave campus for lunch?"

My eyes widened. Clearly this was the reason he'd come over to talk. "Ah...well, no, but usually I just eat in a classroom." This was true, although it wasn't as frequent as I made it out to be. "I just forgot my lunch today."

"In a classroom?" he asked incredulously. "Why? I spend enough time there during class, there's no way I'm eating lunch in one."

"I don't—there's...too many people. I just..." My voice grew quiet.

He leaned in to get a closer look at me, and I looked down to avoid his eyes. "You've been looking really tired lately. Are you getting enough sleep? I mean, I know the first year of high school can be stressful and all, but you kinda look like you've been running yourself into the ground." He back pedaled. "I—that is, not that you look bad or anything, it's just that—"

I smiled slightly from behind my hair. "It's okay, I know what you mean. Thanks for worrying about me."

The thing is, Andy was right. It was the nightmares. Even on days that I didn't hear the...voices...I would hear them in my sleep, and the nightmares would wake me up. I gripped my chair tightly in frustration. I couldn't concentrate; I was spacing out during classes, during conversations—_like I am now_, I chided myself. I shook my head.

_"Take it away."_

I looked around sharply, but I didn't see anyone else nearby. Oh crap. Not here, not here. There were so many people walking around, blocking the exit. "Um," I said in a slightly panicked voice, "I actually need to—I forgot—"

_"Don't keep me waiting. I'll pick you up at three. I love you so much," a woman said._

"Whoa, Bella, what's going on?" He grabbed my hand as I pushed away from the table. Cindy looked up from her book.

"I don't—I need to—" I said distractedly. My vision was fading in and out—or maybe it would be more accurate to say that other things were fading into and out of it. _This...what is this?_ I thought. It hadn't happened like this before. Then it really started, and my breath caught.

_"Get away from me! Please, pl-please, don't hurt me..." the woman cried._

_"He's got a gun!" the man shouted. "Get behind me! Stop, don't shoot!" he begged._

_The crying girl tossed her toys into the river._

_"We will be arriving in Miami shortly," a bored voice said over the speaker. "Please remain seated until the plane has stopped."_

Andy let go in shock as I yelled. I don't even remember what I said, I could hardly hear my own voice—

_"What would you like for breakfast, honey?"_

_"Gee, this one's gonna be a mess to clean up," the cop said._

_The girl looked at the empty pill bottle with dull eyes..._

Suddenly everything was too much for my senses. Horrible sounds that combined with the voices, flashes of images that passed too quickly for me to identify. Creepy-crawly, slimy things covered me all over—

_"Well, I guess...one hit wouldn't hurt." "See? Feels good, doesn't it?_

_"Alright, if you turn left on Rodney Street, you can follow it all the way to the freeway."_

_Don't go._

_"Shit! Turn away, turn away_—_!"_

"Stop!" I screamed. "Stop! Leave me _alone!_" All the students nearby backed away, staring at me in shock, but I didn't care.

_The man slapped her. "You think you can lie to me?" he shouted. He was drunk. "I know where you've been!" Then he turned to look at me. "Don't think I won't come for you next, Bella."_

_"No, we'll definitely find you," they said._

I fell down on the floor crying, covered my head, and started rocking back and forth. "Why?" I whispered. "Why? Why won't they leave me alone?"

"_You'd better run," the horrible voice said._

"I can't run," I sobbed.

_"We're right here, all the time. We won't leave. You can't make us leave". It was like all the terrible people I'd seen were speaking in unison. Whispering, torturing me._

I could see their faces. Through the crack between my fingers I saw the face of one of the murderers I'd seen. He was breathing heavily in anticipation. "Oh my god, call the police," he said, with a twisted smile on his face. "Or an ambulance, I don't know what this is."

"No!" I shrieked as he got closer. "Get away, get away!" The murmurs surrounding me got louder and louder.

_"Don't worry, baby, I won't hurt you." I smelled the stench of his breath all around me._

_"Please keep your arms and legs within the cart at all times."_

I saw them get closer and closer to me, and there was nothing I could do. They held me down and I twisted, twisted and struggled to break free.

Then everything faded away.

— — —

The next thing I knew, I was in a white, sterile-looking room.

"Oh my god, Bella, you're awake," I heard Renee say to my right. I tried to lift my head, but I was too weak. She came up next to me. "Shh, shh, don't try to move, just relax." She smiled as she caressed my face, but there were tears in her eyes.

"Wha...what happened?" I asked groggily.

_"You killed Annie," the voice said. "Why did you kill your best friend?"_

"Annie?" my voice rose in fear. "Annie's dead?"

Renee had been about to speak, but she closed her mouth to contain a sob. After a few seconds, she asked, "Bella, who's Annie?"

That stumped me. "Um...my best friend...?" That didn't make sense. Who was Annie? "Wait, I don't..."

"Bella, you had a...a psychotic episode." Her voice broke, and she took a deep breath to steady herself. "The doctors don't know why yet. They...they did a drug panel, but I know you're not on anything..." Her voice faded as if she wasn't so sure.

I shook my head, and she relaxed slightly.

"You broke down yesterday during lunch. Everyone says you started screaming for someone to let you go, and you attacked anyone who tried to calm you down." She hesitated. "Bella, this isn't the first time something like this has happened, is it? I remember something strange happened during dinner a few weeks ago..."

I struggled to focus on her. "No...but it was never like this. Never..." I looked at the heart monitor, and the IV. "I can't believe they took me to the hospital..." I said quietly. "They're not...they're not trying to take me away?"

"Take you away? No, Bella, everything's going to be alright. They'll find out what's wrong and you'll get better, you'll see." She seemed to be trying to convince herself as well.

Fear coursed through me. Should I believe her? "There are so many people, though. Why are there so many people looking at me?" I tried to ignore the audience whispering around us. Why was I in an auditorium?

"Bella..." Renee looked like she could cry at any moment. "There's no one else here."

* * *

><p>I woke up to the intercom announcing our arrival at Port Angeles. <em>I guess this is it<em>, I thought, sighing. Forks. Here goes nothing.

A/N: Alright. Okay. So. For those of you following my Portal story, I'm so, so, so sorry. I've had the chapter in the works for a long time, but I just haven't found time to work on it. I hit a mental block, and just a huge amount of other things have piled up against it. If anyone's interested in the full story, message me. I might update my profile too, with more information. I wanted to get it out on the 30th of November, to mark the year since the last update, but with finals coming up and everything, I just couldn't. So I started this new story to try to motivate myself. It took about three days, so not too long, relatively speaking. School is kicking into overdrive, though, so I don't think there will be any updates until mid-December, at the earliest.

This is my first time writing in first-person, and I debated heavily whether or not to do it, because, well...it sounds off to me. Anyway, please, _please_ review! Tell me what you think. It'll motivate me!


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